Told my dad I wanted to sign up for a boxing class down at the community center and he laughed. He laughed. It was so embarrassing. He told me if I wanted to learn how to box he would show me, then he started like jabbing punches at me and he hit me and he laughed again. It was humiliating. My whole family was there and Jack was there and my mom’s friends from down the street where there. They laughed too. Except for Jack. He just grabbed my arm and said we had homework to do. We went upstairs and sat me down and he asked me if I was okay and I was but it’s embarrassing.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just a stupid girl or something. I wish I wasn’t such a baby about these things, but I can’t help it. It just kind of happens and then I spend hours afterwards kicking myself because it’s so stupid. I see why those guys at school have no problems being rude to me all the time. If I didn’t have Jack as my best friend, I don’t know what I’d do. It doesn’t bother him. He sees me for who I want to be. Who I try to be. And he tries to ignore that I’m kind of a stupid baby. Just one more reason to love him, I guess.
I’m still signing up for boxing. I’m gonna learn how to fight back somehow.
The concert was amazing. Jack and I had soooo much fun. Of course, just as I had suspected, he remained unfortunately heterosexual for most of the night. Yes just *most* of the night. He kept smiling at me with that little sparkle in his eye like he sometimes gets and there was this one time when these people were being all pushy and they shoved me into him and he wrapped his arm around me and held me close just for a moment, but I swear where his arm was around my waist is still burning from his touch. Then at the end of the night I was cold because I’d forgotten my jacket in his car and he gave me his. He said he was just taking care of me but oh God…he smelled so damn good.
I asked him if I could keep his jacket for the night because it was warmer than mine and he just laughed and said yes. I haven’t given it back to him yet because it still smells like him. I feel kind of like an idiot laying in bed wrapped up in his jacket…but it’s like being hugged by him. It’s perfect. I’m such a fool in love. That’s what I am. I love him so damn much.
We’ve got plans for tomorrow too. They’re with Viv, too. We’re all skipping class to go eat at this fancy new restaurant in town for lunch. It was originally just going to be Jack and I, but I guess I don’t mind Viv too much. He doesn’t think of her as anything but a friend, so he won’t spend more time looking at her boobs than paying attention to me.
Anyways, I can’t wait. I’ll have to give the jacket back too, but hopefully it can smell like him again and I’ll have to devise some plan to get it back. Until then, I’m just gonna go to sleep all surrounded by him.
I love Jack Anderson so much oh my god. You see, I wanted to go to this concert but I didn’t have enough money and my parents were being rude and not graciously offering me the funds to do whatever rebellious teenage things I want to do, so Jack got two tickets and he’s taking me. He doesn’t even like the band, but he knows how much I wanted to go, and he said he doesn’t want me going alone or with “some other person unworthy of my attention”. I laughed at him because he’s a dork but I love him so much.
This is one of those days when I think that maybe…just maybe there is some hope. There isn’t, of course, but I can let myself think it for a while. And nothing could wipe this grin off my face. Jack and I are going to a concert that is a four hour drive away and no one else is coming. That means I’m going to spend eight hours in the car alone with him with no parents or friends or siblings around. Part of me hopes that with no one around, I might be able to get him to let loose a little. Maybe he’ll kiss me…
Nah. I doubt it. He wouldn’t. He’s not even gay. It’s stupid. I just keep getting this feeling that there is something there. There has to be some reason he wanted to go just the two of us.
Perhaps I’ll figure it out and then report back to you. Cross your metaphorical fingers something good happens.
Jack and Kayleen broke up already. They lasted a week. I shouldn’t be as happy as I am, but I am so happy. It seems really selfish, but I’m glad because now I get to have my best friend back by my side. I hate when he gets all caught up in other people and forgets about me. Sometimes I think he just takes me for granted. Like he thinks that I’ll always be there so if he just ignores me for a while it won’t matter. Well Jack Anderson, someday you’re gonna ignore me and then I won’t be there anymore!
Who am I kidding. I can’t not be there when he wants me. I love him so much. I had another dream about him, too. Now that I’ve pretty much decided that I’m definitely gay, it seems like my body is going all out with this revelation. I had this dream last night and it involved a very naked Jack and I enjoyed it very much. Probably more than I should. And I probably should stop writing down that I keep imagining him naked…but I feel like I have to just say it. Like…if I don’t I’ll explode or something. I just wish I didn’t have to hide. I wish I could be able to tell Jack how much I love him, but I can’t. I’ll never be able to. Oh well. I’ve got to go to bed now. Another eight hours of dreaming about a world where I’m actually allowed to have (quite literally) the man of my dreams.
This is the third time Jack’s blown me off to go “date” (read: have sex with) his girlfriend. He expects me to understand. To be okay with it. Or to just go and find my own girlfriend to “do it” with. Well sorry, Jack, that’s just not in my plan for the future. So tonight while he did that, I took my little sister Ellie to the movies to see this ridiculous animated movie that I didn’t care about at all. But she loved it and I might just end up spending a lot of time with her if Jack’s gonna be a whore and having tons of “awesome sex” as he puts it.
I’ve been really depressed lately, and I know it’s because of this. One of these days I’m just going to have to learn to not let Jack effect me like this. Even though I love him as much as I do, I have to work harder at pretending I don’t. He’s going to start thinking something is up if I’m moping around all the time because I wish it were me kissing him and not some cheerleader with big boobs. Of course, even when Jack does notice that I’m upset the only solution he gives me is to “get laid”.